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Joke Corner
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Windridge Offline
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Posts: 795
Joined: Jan 2018
Post: #1501
RE: Joke Corner
An Irish man and his ever nagging Wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the Wife died suddenly.

The Undertaker said "It will cost £5,000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here"

The Husband tells him to ship her home

The Undertaker said "But Sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?"

The Husband says " Listen here pal, a long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead - shes going home!"
30-01-2018 00:28
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Bally Offline
1 = 20

Posts: 21,450
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1502
RE: Joke Corner
A Brummie walks into a tailors, "Alroit mate, I'd like a 70's suit please." The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?" The Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."
04-02-2018 13:05
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Bally Offline
1 = 20

Posts: 21,450
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1503
RE: Joke Corner
It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen.
04-02-2018 15:54
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Windridge Offline
Banned

Posts: 795
Joined: Jan 2018
Post: #1504
RE: Joke Corner
My Grandad always used to say "Loose lips sink ships" Lovely bloke, terrible Gynecologist.
04-02-2018 17:29
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daib0 Offline
Interforum Gamemaster!

Posts: 5,432
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1505
RE: Joke Corner
My mate's just phoned me in tears. His wife has left him, taken his Bob Marley collection & the satellite dish.
Poor bugga' --- no woman no Sky!
08-02-2018 13:33
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GynnSquarePhoenix Offline
Moderator

Posts: 17,280
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1506
RE: Joke Corner
[Image: DVI5oTzXkAEuHFj.jpg:large]
08-02-2018 18:22
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Windridge Offline
Banned

Posts: 795
Joined: Jan 2018
Post: #1507
RE: Joke Corner
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
08-02-2018 22:23
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daib0 Offline
Interforum Gamemaster!

Posts: 5,432
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1508
RE: Joke Corner
(08-02-2018 22:23)Windridge Wrote:  I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

Zoo Keeper:"I've lost one of my elephants"
Other Zoo Keeper:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
Zoo
Keeper:"Don't be silly, he can't read!"
09-02-2018 05:54
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CheshireSeasider Offline
Very Much So

Posts: 7,201
Joined: Aug 2013
Post: #1509
RE: Joke Corner
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

"Anyway", she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.
13-02-2018 17:21
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Bally Offline
1 = 20

Posts: 21,450
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1510
RE: Joke Corner
Nice on the phone, add 3 stone
13-02-2018 17:25
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daib0 Offline
Interforum Gamemaster!

Posts: 5,432
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1511
RE: Joke Corner
A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.
"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist.
"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.
"Aha ... and when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist, full of interest.
"Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."
13-02-2018 18:10
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Windridge Offline
Banned

Posts: 795
Joined: Jan 2018
Post: #1512
RE: Joke Corner
What did one psychologist say to the other psychologist?

'How am I feeling today?'
13-02-2018 19:04
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Qblock87 Offline
69

Posts: 23,135
Joined: Jun 2012
Post: #1513
RE: Joke Corner
SPERM DONOR

I've tasted worse kebabs.
16-02-2018 16:29
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daib0 Offline
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Posts: 5,432
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1514
RE: Joke Corner
Just been in Blackpool, and I saw a guy & woman shouting then fighting...
A copper turned up but instead of calming things down he starts twatting the guy with a baton! The guy gets the baton and starts hitting the copper AND his wife!
Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages....

never happens in Reading!
17-02-2018 13:43
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Windridge Offline
Banned

Posts: 795
Joined: Jan 2018
Post: #1515
RE: Joke Corner
A guy just caught me looking up his wife's skirt...

"Please forgive me," I apologised, "I've never been to an open casket funeral.
17-02-2018 19:19
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