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Joke Corner
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Qblock87 Offline
69

Posts: 23,332
Joined: Jun 2012
Post: #1636
RE: Joke Corner
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car. A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, i've had it all my life. It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear. And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I’m sure no other driver, has so helpful a device. For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught. So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed. It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the fucker off.
25-06-2018 20:23
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munkle Offline
Hooligan Apologist

Posts: 4,842
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1637
RE: Joke Corner
Germany going out in the group stage?

Wurst day of their Koreas.
28-06-2018 06:26
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tangerine77 Offline
Administrator

Posts: 33,022
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1638
RE: Joke Corner
All my German friends have blocked me since Germany’s exit from the World Cup ! My phone is now completely Hans Free
28-06-2018 18:53
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Qblock87 Offline
69

Posts: 23,332
Joined: Jun 2012
Post: #1639
RE: Joke Corner
I was having a stroll through the cemetery yesterday when I came across some council workers digging up a grave. Being the nosy cunt I am, I went over and said, "What's going on?" The guy in the hole said, "We're exhuming this body." "Oh, is it part of some ongoing murder investigation?" I asked. "No," he replied, "the Tory government have deemed him fit for work.”
28-06-2018 21:04
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daib0 Offline
Interforum Gamemaster!

Posts: 5,490
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1640
RE: Joke Corner
(28-06-2018 21:04)Qblock87 Wrote:  I was having a stroll through the cemetery yesterday when I came across some council workers digging up a grave. Being the nosy cunt I am, I went over and said, "What's going on?" The guy in the hole said, "We're exhuming this body." "Oh, is it part of some ongoing murder investigation?" I asked. "No," he replied, "the Tory government have deemed him fit for work.”

ouch!
28-06-2018 22:32
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tangerine77 Offline
Administrator

Posts: 33,022
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1641
RE: Joke Corner
Not far from being true though.
29-06-2018 05:43
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daib0 Offline
Interforum Gamemaster!

Posts: 5,490
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1642
RE: Joke Corner
My wife yelled at me earlier "You weren't even listening there, were you?"

I thought "What a weird way to start a conversation".
01-07-2018 08:28
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daib0 Offline
Interforum Gamemaster!

Posts: 5,490
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1643
RE: Joke Corner
There are 3 unwritten rules in life.



















1.
2.
3.
01-07-2018 12:57
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GynnSquarePhoenix Offline
Moderator

Posts: 17,649
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1644
RE: Joke Corner
My daughter said, "Dad, can my boyfriend stay over tonight?"

I said, "Can he fuck!"

She said, "Like a rabbit, why do you think I'm asking"
01-07-2018 19:45
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daib0 Offline
Interforum Gamemaster!

Posts: 5,490
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1645
RE: Joke Corner
Saw a brilliant Nigerian sci-fi page on the web last night:

"How to get your own robot name."

You input all the numbers on your credit card, the expiry date and the last 3 digits on the back . Then it randomly generates it for you, mine's...


1D10T
02-07-2018 08:47
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Bally Offline
1 = 20

Posts: 21,748
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1646
RE: Joke Corner
Mates wife was cleaning her 12 year old sons bedroom and finds loads of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "What do I do". Husband says "I haven't a clue but I wouldn't fucking spank him"
03-07-2018 16:21
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Bally Offline
1 = 20

Posts: 21,748
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1647
RE: Joke Corner
MAKING BABIES

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,

'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

'Have you really?" Said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" Gasped Mrs. Smith.

"In my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" Asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" Said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied, "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh .. . . .equipment?"

"It's true, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.
05-07-2018 06:07
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daib0 Offline
Interforum Gamemaster!

Posts: 5,490
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1648
RE: Joke Corner
I've just been asked what's the difference between ignorance & apathy ?
My response was I didn't know & didn't care

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again!
05-07-2018 12:14
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daib0 Offline
Interforum Gamemaster!

Posts: 5,490
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1649
RE: Joke Corner
I've just been on a round-the-world holiday. Next year I'm going somewhere different!
08-07-2018 13:22
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daib0 Offline
Interforum Gamemaster!

Posts: 5,490
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1650
RE: Joke Corner
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

-----------------------------------------------------


"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Stuie, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
10-07-2018 11:13
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