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Joke Corner
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Bentent Offline
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Posts: 10,706
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #16
RE: Joke Corner
A movie producer had called together several big name celebs to kick some
ideas around. The project was an action docu-drama about famous composers
featuring Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwarzenegger in the leading roles.

The producer really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and was
prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play
him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."

Things were going well; the producers were pleased.

"Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach." replied Arnold.
20-04-2012 14:26
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JustGotBack Offline
Briggsy

Posts: 52
Joined: Apr 2012
Post: #17
RE: Joke Corner
I've spent some time on the phone, trying to donate some money to a worthy cause - The Tourettes Society.

Everytime I get through, though, someone tells me to f*ck off.
20-04-2012 14:38
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daib0 Offline
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Posts: 5,286
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #18
RE: Joke Corner
I was driving through Yellowstone National Park, on the lookout just in case, when I noticed a sign saying "Bear Left", so I turned around and went home.

-----------------------------

Was out walking the other day when a bag of cheese smacked me on the head...I thought that's not very mature...

--------------------------------

The wife has been missing for a week now. Today the Police called and said prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
----------------------------

A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop at any time.

--------------------------------

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought to myself. "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

------------------------------

Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."
The barman says, "That's not like you lately."

-------------------------------------

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels

----------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any
20-04-2012 23:44
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whitstabletangerine Offline
Registered User

Posts: 7,360
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #19
RE: Joke Corner
This Will Make You Think..................

Compared with petrol at £6.50 a gallon.

Diet Apple Juice 16oz@£1.29 = £10.32 a gallon

Liton Ice Tea 16oz@£1.19 =£9.52 a gallon

Brake Fluid 12oz@£3.15 =£33.60 a gallon

Evian Water 9oz @£1.49 =£21.19 a gallon

Ever wondered why printers were so cheap, they have you hooked on the ink, someone calculated the cost of ink at £5,200 a gallon.

So next time you're at the pumps be glad your car dosn't run on water or printer ink.
23-04-2012 10:22
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whitstabletangerine Offline
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Posts: 7,360
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #20
RE: Joke Corner
Interesting signs.

One from the US, large billboard showing a bottle of Southern Comfort and alongside the words, "Liquid Panty Remover".

Not sure were this one came from.
A sign on an open country road,

Emergency Telephone
174 km ahead.



One I have seen in Essex.

Brentwood
Kelvenden Hatch A128
Secret Nuclear Bunker.
(This post was last modified: 23-04-2012 16:25 by whitstabletangerine.)
23-04-2012 16:24
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whitstabletangerine Offline
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Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #21
RE: Joke Corner
WHETHER CONSERVATIVE, LABOUR, LIBERAL OR OTHER.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "what is politics"?
Dad says, "well son, let me explain it this way, I am the head of the family, so call me the PRIME MINISTER.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we will call her the GOVERNMENT.
We are here to take car of your needs, so will call you the PEOPLE.
The nanny, we will call her the WORKING CLASS.
Your baby brother, we will call him the FUTURE.
Now think about that and see if if it makes sense".

The little boy goes to bed thinking about what his dad has said and later that night he hears his baby brother crying so gets up to see what is wrong. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy, so the little boy goes to his parents room but finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room but finds the door locked so peeks through the keyhole only to see his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to his bed.

The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I know what politics is all about".
The father says, "Good son, now tell me in your own words what you make of it".
The litlle boy replies, "The PRIME MINISTER is screwing the WORKING CLASS, while the GOVERNEMENT is sound asleep. The PEOPLE are being ignored and the FUTURE is in deep shit"
11-05-2012 10:02
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tangerine77 Offline
Administrator

Posts: 32,339
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #22
RE: Joke Corner
Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

Thats terrible, but made me laugh when i read it on a lollipop stick.
11-05-2012 10:13
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whitstabletangerine Offline
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Posts: 7,360
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #23
RE: Joke Corner
A recent study found the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Britons drank on average 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means on average Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Makes you proud to be British.
27-05-2012 14:59
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daib0 Offline
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Posts: 5,286
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #24
RE: Joke Corner
two members of parliament were having a quiet chat in the corridor ...
"John, What do you think I should do about the Abortion Bill?" said one.
His colleague replied:
"Oh, I'd pay it pretty quickly before anyone finds out" !


---------------------------------------------------

A guy rings up his local cricket club and asks
"Can I speak to Mr Smith please?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, he's in, you'll have to wait till he's out" ... !


---------------------------------------------------


A chap orders his meal in a restaurant, and the waiter brings the first plate.
"What on earth's THAT!" exclaims the client.
"It's bean soup, sir" replies the waiter.
"I don't care what it's been, what is it now?" !
-----------------------------------------------------


Who likes Irish jokes?

Here are a few Irish TRAVEL jokes:

* An Irish hitchhiker got up early and made an early start on his journey. He wanted to miss the traffic ...

* An Irishman drove his car into a river because the local policeman told him to dip his headlights ...

* An Irish motorist also got his car stuck in a church door. He'd been told to take his car for a service.

* At a level-crossing in Ireland only one of the gates was open. A motorist asked the level-crossing keeper the reason. "Well, you see sir, we are half-expecting a train" ...

* A Ryan Air pilot, when asked for for his height and position replied " "I'm 5ft 8in and sitting in the front seat" ...

* An Irishman rang up London Airport and asked how long the flight to Dublin took.
"Just a minute, sir" said the operator.
"Thank you" said the Irishman and rang off ...

* An Irishman was stopped by a foreign tourist and asked what the yellow line along the side of the street indicated.
"Oh, that means no parking at all"
"Thank you" said the tourist. "But, in that case, what do two yellow lines mean then?"
"Ah" said the Irishman, "that means no parking at all, at all" ...
(This post was last modified: 27-05-2012 21:56 by daib0.)
27-05-2012 21:55
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Bally Offline
1 = 20

Posts: 20,315
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #25
RE: Joke Corner
Now on sale at IKEA... Lesbian beds. No nuts or screwing involved... it's all tongue and groove!

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol. Police say it's definitely race-related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing Lanes 7 and 8.

I received a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest but explained they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him.
(This post was last modified: 28-05-2012 15:58 by Bally.)
28-05-2012 15:57
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whitstabletangerine Offline
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Posts: 7,360
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #26
RE: Joke Corner
Blonde walked into the Pizza parlour and ordered a pizza, would you like 6 slices or 12 asked the assistant.
6, replied the blonde, I couldn't eat 12.
28-05-2012 16:26
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seasider Offline
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Joined: Feb 2012
Post: #27
RE: Joke Corner
Bump for qblock!
08-06-2012 21:19
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Tangerines Offline
Sea, Sea, Seasiders!

Posts: 338
Joined: May 2012
Post: #28
RE: Joke Corner
I had a dream I ate a 10lb marshmallow. Woke up and my pillow was gone.
08-06-2012 21:24
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Bally Offline
1 = 20

Posts: 20,315
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #29
RE: Joke Corner
(08-06-2012 21:24)LeicesterTangerine Wrote:  I had a dream I ate a 10lb marshmallow. Woke up and my pillow was gone.

R.I.P. Tommy Cooper
08-06-2012 21:26
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Tangerines Offline
Sea, Sea, Seasiders!

Posts: 338
Joined: May 2012
Post: #30
RE: Joke Corner
(08-06-2012 21:26)Alan Ball Wrote:  R.I.P. Tommy Cooper

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'

Thumbsup2
08-06-2012 21:30
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