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Joke Corner
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Hamish
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Post: #46
RE: Joke Corner
(09-06-2012 09:35)Qblock87 Wrote:  Rob Green has trained today and in 3 hours he had 4,000 shots fired at him and did not concede a single goal. Tomorrow, he and Andy Carroll will train with the rest of the squad.

Lovely. Biggrin
10-06-2012 10:52
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FY4MIKEH Offline
BLT THE ONLY WAY

Posts: 22,116
Joined: Apr 2012
Post: #47
RE: Joke Corner
I was walking on a building site when I came across a sign that said " Climb the ladder to success ".
I climbed up the ladder to find a young man sat on a stool with his trousers round his ankles.
He took one look at me and said " HI Im CESS.

Never been in Funny Girls myself !!
10-06-2012 12:51
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Qblock87 Offline
69

Posts: 22,427
Joined: Jun 2012
Post: #48
RE: Joke Corner
My mate hung himself in a modern art gallery.It was three weeks before anyone noticed!!!
People can be so 'in your face' these days. Only last night a complete stranger asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.I told him that, actually, I liked hairy fannies, but it turned out that this wasn't an option with the KFC bargain bucket.
My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.
My wife told me to make love like in the movies.So I stuck it in her arse and came on her face. She got mad with me.I guess we don't watch the same movies!
(This post was last modified: 10-06-2012 18:34 by Qblock87.)
10-06-2012 18:24
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FY4MIKEH Offline
BLT THE ONLY WAY

Posts: 22,116
Joined: Apr 2012
Post: #49
RE: Joke Corner
(10-06-2012 18:24)Qblock87 Wrote:  My mate hung himself in a modern art gallery.It was three weeks before anyone noticed!!!
People can be so 'in your face' these days. Only last night a complete stranger asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.I told him that, actually, I liked hairy fannies, but it turned out that this wasn't an option with the KFC bargain bucket.
My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

keep em coming Qblock,you are the dogs.Laugh
10-06-2012 18:35
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Qblock87 Offline
69

Posts: 22,427
Joined: Jun 2012
Post: #50
RE: Joke Corner
I went to a funeral yesterday with my girlfriend, It was the first time I had met most of her family.God they're miserable fuckers.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?It's not hard.
A woman in Boots sees a deal offering 5 boxes of Tampax for a pound. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager, "Is that price correct?""Sure is," says the manager, "It's a special offer, 5 boxes for a pound and there are no strings attached!"
The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.She hit the roof.
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living."I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder."Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist.""A what?" asked the builder."Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens.""Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?""A pond" the builder replied."Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house.""I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly."Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..." The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children." "Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life." "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often.""Never!" the builder exclaimed."Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!" The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?""Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist.""A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?""No" replied his mate."Well, you're a wanker then!"
The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber: You stay in all day and nobody comes!
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts."Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience."Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?""Yesterday?" I replied.
I was in a porno cinema the other night. I hadn't been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: "Oh, you're a beast, you're despicable!" So I said to him: "Listen mate, we're all here together, you're just as despicable as I am." But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like "How do you sleep at night?" and "You're a total disgrace."Next thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two pence worth as well. I remember what he said to the letter. He said: "In 25 years I've never seen anything like this." So I said: "I know I'm not much to look at but that's a bit harsh, isn't it?" But he wasn't listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to "throw me out" and that security was "on its way."At that point I just thought "Oh, I don't need this".So I stood up and said: "Fuck it, come on kids we're leaving."
When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.
(This post was last modified: 10-06-2012 19:31 by Qblock87.)
10-06-2012 18:37
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Qblock87 Offline
69

Posts: 22,427
Joined: Jun 2012
Post: #51
RE: Joke Corner
I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.It was terrible. I didn't know how to react.
10-06-2012 20:14
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tangerinejezza Away
Pottys stalking victim

Posts: 22,787
Joined: Jun 2012
Post: #52
RE: Joke Corner
The other day someone posted a Jamacan through my letter box. The next day it was a Nigerian. Then the next day it was a kenyan ! I think I am being black mailed!
10-06-2012 20:17
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Qblock87 Offline
69

Posts: 22,427
Joined: Jun 2012
Post: #53
RE: Joke Corner
A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?" He says: "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch.""That's not a record is it?""It is for a 10 year old."
10-06-2012 21:58
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FY4MIKEH Offline
BLT THE ONLY WAY

Posts: 22,116
Joined: Apr 2012
Post: #54
RE: Joke Corner
(10-06-2012 21:58)Qblock87 Wrote:  A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?" He says: "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch.""That's not a record is it?""It is for a 10 year old."

boom boom Qblock,you are on a roll now.Laugh
11-06-2012 10:57
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Qblock87 Offline
69

Posts: 22,427
Joined: Jun 2012
Post: #55
RE: Joke Corner
An elderly man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds but it's state of the art. It's perfect.""Really?" answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?""Twelve thirty."
11-06-2012 16:58
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Qblock87 Offline
69

Posts: 22,427
Joined: Jun 2012
Post: #56
Joke Corner
I'm sure my mates like me but sometimes I don't understand them. Like, just this morning I looked in the mirror and they had written 'TNUC' on my forehead. What does that mean?
(This post was last modified: 11-06-2012 17:43 by MR-DD.)
11-06-2012 17:18
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Qblock87 Offline
69

Posts: 22,427
Joined: Jun 2012
Post: #57
RE: Joke Corner *all jokes here please*
A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park.A woman approaches him and offers to fuck his brains out for £5.The man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the £5. She leads him into a bush and they get under way.A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking.He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he's doing.The man replies calmly, "I'm just having sex with my wife, officer. Do you mind?"The officer responds, "I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise it was your wife."The man quickly replies, "That's quite alright, officer - until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I."
11-06-2012 20:02
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MR-DD Offline
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Posts: 16,614
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #58
RE: Joke Corner *all jokes here please* THIS MEANS YOU QBLOCK
HERE YOU GO QBLOCK

Jokes go in this threadThumbsup2
19-06-2012 18:53
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seasider Offline
Administrator

Posts: 56,748
Joined: Feb 2012
Post: #59
RE: Joke Corner *all jokes here please* THIS MEANS YOU QBLOCK
Laugh

Loving your little battle with QBlock to get his jokes into this thread.
19-06-2012 21:14
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MR-DD Offline
Not really here

Posts: 16,614
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #60
RE: Joke Corner *all jokes here please* THIS MEANS YOU QBLOCK
It's just good fun
I like the guy Wink
19-06-2012 21:16
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