Joke Corner

[daib0]

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field...

[thetruth1953]

(04-01-2018 17:07)daib0 Wrote:  Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field...

Not quite as funny as Bally's circumcision joke.

[daib0]

(04-01-2018 17:21)thetruth1953 Wrote:  Not quite as funny as Bally's circumcision joke.

haha, but I'm not in this as a competition! Anyway, I can't speak for everyone but I think I'm a terrible ventriloquist.

[daib0]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along
very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions;
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
Polish Remover.

[Qblock87]

Strewth!

[bpoolkev1966]

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

[Qblock87]

(05-01-2018 18:15)bpoolkev1966 Wrote:  When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Well it’s a guaranteed shag.

[Bally]

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second-floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third-floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better," she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth-floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more men further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth-floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So, up to the sixth floor, she goes.

The sixth-floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

[Bally]

INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna crap it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen nothing yet just see the loo tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Rectum aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This doopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
...guitar solo...
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again (There he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me.. poor me...poor meee!
...guitar solo...
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, But now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
...guitar solo...slow bit...
Korma, sag or bhuna
bhaji, balti or naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
Anyway, the wind blows....shshshsh

[Qblock87]

[Qblock87]

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'

[Windridge]

When me and my mates go out on the pull, I'm known as "The cat"

It's not because I'm sleek and stealthy, or anything like that,

When I turn up the birds scatter.

[solomanjanifar1]

Our approach for writing your dissertation is result-oriented and will help you to fetch higher grades from your professors.

[Bally]

Don't get it

[Qblock87]

(17-01-2018 07:06)solomanjanifar1 Wrote:  Our approach for writing your dissertation is result-oriented and will help you to fetch higher grades from your professors.

Hilarious. Better than Bally’s efforts.