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Joke Corner
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MR-DD Offline
Not really here

Posts: 16,614
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #1
Joke Corner
Husband says to wife,"My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I’ll wear gold tonight." Wife says ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change?
(This post was last modified: 27-07-2013 07:54 by seasider.)
28-03-2012 16:03
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Bentent Offline
Moderator

Posts: 10,706
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #2
Joke Corner *all jokes here please*
A man hands over a £50 note to the turnstyle operator at Dumpdale

man: Two please.

Turnstyle Operator: Will that be defenders or strikers, sir?
(This post was last modified: 24-08-2012 17:32 by MR-DD.)
28-03-2012 16:13
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MR-DD Offline
Not really here

Posts: 16,614
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #3
Joke Corner *all jokes here please*
I got the sack from my bingo calling job.

Apparently a meal for two with a terrible view isn't the way to announce 69
(This post was last modified: 24-08-2012 17:41 by MR-DD.)
28-03-2012 16:17
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Victor_Vein_Bulger Offline
Registered User

Posts: 408
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #4
Joke Corner *all jokes here please*
Man walks into a butchers
Looks at all the all the meat then clocks the one he wants on the very top shelf.
Man goes to the butcher: "I bet you £500 you can't reach that bit of meat on the very top shelf without using your step ladder."
Butcher turns around, cranes his neck upwards looking at said piece of meat.
Butcher turns back to the man, shakes his head and goes:
"Sorry mate, the steaks are too high!"

...


I'll get my coat
(This post was last modified: 24-08-2012 17:42 by MR-DD.)
28-03-2012 20:31
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Dukeoflancaster Offline
Registered User

Posts: 145
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #5
Joke Corner *all jokes here please*
Tennis Ball goes into a bar...

Barman says.....



"Have you been served yet?''
(This post was last modified: 24-08-2012 17:43 by MR-DD.)
28-03-2012 20:56
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daib0 Offline
Interforum Gamemaster!

Posts: 5,286
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #6
RE: Joke Corner
FOOTBALL JOKES!

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground, and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The London police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet !!!!!!


(this a bit out-of-date, but still funny!)
Fabio Capello is in a supermarket, and when he heads out of the check-out he sees an old lady struggling with a trolley.
“Can you manage, dear?” he kindly tries to ask her.
“Look here” she shouts “You got us into this mess – YOU get us out of it!”


At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator. suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.
'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'
'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker'


I've lost my dad -
A small boy was crying his eyes out at a football match. Seeing his plight, a policeman came up to him and asked what the problem was.
"I've lost my dad," cried the boy. "What's he like?" asked the policeman.
"Beer, fags and women," said the boy.


Where did you get that football? -
Two boys were playing with a new football in the road outside their house.
"Hey,"' shouted their mother, "where did you get that football?"
"We found it," replied one of the boys.
"Are you sure it was lost?" asked the mother.
"Yes," replied the boy, "we saw some people looking for it."'


My wife should be a goalie -
"My wife would make a great goalie," one man said to his friend.
"Why?"
"I haven't scored for months."!!


Someone asked me the other day, what time do Millwall kick off?
About every ten minutes I replied (love it!!)


How do you confuse Man Utd. supporters?
Ask them the way to Manchester.


It has been announced that British Summer Time will from now on be phased in. Instead of adding a whole hour in one go, five minutes will be added to Man Utd games where they need a late goal!!


This bloke came up to me and said can you coach a football team in Sheffield
I said I cant manage Wednesdays ...


Two peanuts went to a bar in Millwall
One was a salted


Graffiti

At Swindon:
SWINDON TOWN ARE MAGIC!
And underneath:
WATCH THEM DISAPPEAR FROM THE SECOND DIVISION!

Dumbarton, Scotland:
JESUS SAVES!
And underneath:
DUMBARTON SHOULD SIGN HIM FOR GOAL!








More footies!!


A reporter is walking through the park in liverpool when he see's a dog attack two kids playing football. He runs over as one kid uses a stick to get the dog off his mate.
"that's so brave son, I can see the headline now - Liverpool fan saves friend from killer dog".
"sorry" the kid replies, "I don't support Liverpool."
"young toffee saves pal?
"I'm not an everton fan either, I actually support Man U" he exclaims.
"Manc yob kills beloved family pet" he scribes as he walks away


With Man City crashing out of the Champions League,FA Cup and now the Carling Cup, I wonder if Mancini will quit. I don't think so. I mean, it's not like an Italian to abandon a sinking ship ...



Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."
The barman says, "That's not like you lately."


Why wouldn't you let a Villa player take your dog for a walk
They can't hold on to a lead..
Boom boom!!


Wayne Rooney lost fifty quid at the bookies the other day, betting that Frank Lampard would miss with a penalty.
He then lost another fifty quid betting on the TV replay.


Harry Redknapp has ruled himself out of the England job saying it was 'Too taxing.'

Someone decided to mount a takeover at Portsmouth after winning last weeks lottery........He had 3 numbers!
(This post was last modified: 29-03-2012 10:56 by daib0.)
29-03-2012 10:51
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Bally Online
1 = 20

Posts: 20,300
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #7
RE: Joke Corner
(29-03-2012 10:51)daib0 Wrote:  FOOTBALL JOKES!

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground, and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The London police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet !!!!!!


(this a bit out-of-date, but still funny!)
Fabio Capello is in a supermarket, and when he heads out of the check-out he sees an old lady struggling with a trolley.
“Can you manage, dear?” he kindly tries to ask her.
“Look here” she shouts “You got us into this mess – YOU get us out of it!”


At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator. suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.
'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'
'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker'


I've lost my dad -
A small boy was crying his eyes out at a football match. Seeing his plight, a policeman came up to him and asked what the problem was.
"I've lost my dad," cried the boy. "What's he like?" asked the policeman.
"Beer, fags and women," said the boy.


Where did you get that football? -
Two boys were playing with a new football in the road outside their house.
"Hey,"' shouted their mother, "where did you get that football?"
"We found it," replied one of the boys.
"Are you sure it was lost?" asked the mother.
"Yes," replied the boy, "we saw some people looking for it."'


My wife should be a goalie -
"My wife would make a great goalie," one man said to his friend.
"Why?"
"I haven't scored for months."!!


Someone asked me the other day, what time do Millwall kick off?
About every ten minutes I replied (love it!!)


How do you confuse Man Utd. supporters?
Ask them the way to Manchester.


It has been announced that British Summer Time will from now on be phased in. Instead of adding a whole hour in one go, five minutes will be added to Man Utd games where they need a late goal!!


This bloke came up to me and said can you coach a football team in Sheffield
I said I cant manage Wednesdays ...


Two peanuts went to a bar in Millwall
One was a salted


Graffiti

At Swindon:
SWINDON TOWN ARE MAGIC!
And underneath:
WATCH THEM DISAPPEAR FROM THE SECOND DIVISION!

Dumbarton, Scotland:
JESUS SAVES!
And underneath:
DUMBARTON SHOULD SIGN HIM FOR GOAL!








More footies!!


A reporter is walking through the park in liverpool when he see's a dog attack two kids playing football. He runs over as one kid uses a stick to get the dog off his mate.
"that's so brave son, I can see the headline now - Liverpool fan saves friend from killer dog".
"sorry" the kid replies, "I don't support Liverpool."
"young toffee saves pal?
"I'm not an everton fan either, I actually support Man U" he exclaims.
"Manc yob kills beloved family pet" he scribes as he walks away


With Man City crashing out of the Champions League,FA Cup and now the Carling Cup, I wonder if Mancini will quit. I don't think so. I mean, it's not like an Italian to abandon a sinking ship ...



Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."
The barman says, "That's not like you lately."


Why wouldn't you let a Villa player take your dog for a walk
They can't hold on to a lead..
Boom boom!!


Wayne Rooney lost fifty quid at the bookies the other day, betting that Frank Lampard would miss with a penalty.
He then lost another fifty quid betting on the TV replay.


Harry Redknapp has ruled himself out of the England job saying it was 'Too taxing.'

Someone decided to mount a takeover at Portsmouth after winning last weeks lottery........He had 3 numbers!
Do you not understand the thread title?
29-03-2012 16:40
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jdseasider81 Offline
Moderation in drink

Posts: 407
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #8
RE: Joke Corner
(29-03-2012 16:40)Alan Ball Wrote:  Do you not understand the thread title?

Paddy was shagging a girl when she asked him"Doesnt it bother you im 13". Paddy replies "no not really, ive never been superstitious
29-03-2012 18:17
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The Ramsden Offline
Registered User

Posts: 167
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #9
RE: Joke Corner
Paddy gets mugged by 4 blokes, but he puts up a great fight, in the end they hold him down & go through his pockets, all he has is 40p.The muggers say "You put up a hellish good fight for just 40p....why bother?"Paddy said "I thought you was after the £500 in my sock."
29-03-2012 18:54
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seasider Offline
Administrator

Posts: 56,735
Joined: Feb 2012
Post: #10
RE: Joke Corner
I've got the best joke...

[Image: pne+logo.jpg]
29-03-2012 18:57
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whitstabletangerine Offline
Registered User

Posts: 7,358
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #11
RE: Joke Corner
Paddy finds a sandwich with two red wires sticking out of it.
He phones the police and says, "I've found a sandwich dat looks loik it's a bomb".
The operator asks, "Is it tickin"?
"No", says Paddy, "I tink it's beef."
29-03-2012 19:02
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whitstabletangerine Offline
Registered User

Posts: 7,358
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #12
RE: Joke Corner
LETTERS TO THE COUNCIL.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my Knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The next door neighbour's 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.

The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I want to complain about the farmer accross the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it is getting to much.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the childred until it is cleared.
07-04-2012 20:17
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Oldcahoots Offline
...

Posts: 249
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #13
RE: Joke Corner
A little three year old girlin Fleetwood is watching her mum washing the dishes...."Mummy, why are your hands so soft ?.........coz Im only 14, now shut the f#ck up and eat your pot noodle"
20-04-2012 13:01
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thatsmeinthecorner Offline
Registered User

Posts: 27
Joined: Apr 2012
Post: #14
RE: Joke Corner
I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?’


Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”

Police raided Kermit's lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

I spent yesterday helping the grim reaper in his kitchen by chopping up vegetables.....talk about dicing with death.
20-04-2012 13:36
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whitstabletangerine Offline
Registered User

Posts: 7,358
Joined: Mar 2012
Post: #15
RE: Joke Corner
ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL.

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering Faaackinell.

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several pricesless collections of mementos from Majorca and Costa De Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three historic burn out areas of cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to help the sticken locals.

How can you help.
An appeal for clothing, such as Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops, shell suits, white stilettos, Rockport boot and white sports socks would be good.

Breaking news.
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alc0-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...............
Where are you bleeding from they asked.
"Romford" said the girl "woss that gotta do wiv you"
20-04-2012 14:15
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